I changed my last name when I got married. Thirty years ago, that wasn’t uncommon. I went from a bland 5 letter surname to a bland 4 letter surname.
15 years ago, I got divorced and I kept that name. It was the same name my children had, and I wanted to cement the connection – and not make another change in their young lives.
In the last year or so though, I’ve begun to wonder. Should I change it back? Professionally, I was only known by my maiden name for 6 months, so it hardly makes sense in that world. But still, with the kids grown up and out of the house, I wonder if I should reclaim my birthright? I’ve brought it up with the kids to see how they’d feel if I did it and I’ve even gone so far as to find out what legal paperwork would be necessary. Not as much as I’d imagined, curiously.
A few weeks ago, my ex-husband passed away. It had been years since either the kids or I had any contact with him, so our emotions are a bit confused, although muted.
It was odd when we got the news. In some ways, I’d been expecting the call for a decade or more. After the divorce, my ex developed a pattern of mental health issues and addiction, of homelessness and interactions with police. He became a very different man than the one I had married. So learning of his death, while not unexpected, was still a bit of a shock.
Nevertheless, I started doing what you do. We’ve told friends and family. Flowers started to fill the house, along with a few porch drop-offs of food, driveway visits, phone calls and emails. But with so little contact in so many years, it felt a bit like going through the motions.
And it’s brought with it a new round of second guessing of my name. How much of my identity is tied up in those four letters? Would I be a different me if my surname were to change? Would it be a metaphorical new start? Or just a flight of fancy? A chance to rediscover myself? Or a retreat to the past? I won’t be making any decisions any time soon, but it’s interesting to think about the options.
Maybe it’s time to start practising a new signature….
