Do you ever wonder what might have been? If you’d turned left instead of right? If you’d chosen this instead of that? If you’d said yes instead of no? Would your life have turned out very differently? Or would you have eventually ended up in the same place, by a different route?
One of my favourite movies is Sliding Doors. Quite apart from the fact that I could listen to John Hannah’s Scottish brogue for hours, I am forever intrigued by the two parallel lives shown in the film. It shows two versions of the main character’s life – one as she catches a particular London tube and one if she misses it and takes a cab home. The universe eventually brings it back to a single storyline, and Helen ends up in essentially the same place.
It’s a really good movie, but I’m not entirely sure it works that way in real life.
I think some of the decisions we make take us forever down different paths that we can’t retreat from. Some choices leave their mark on us – for good or for ill – and quite literally change us and our destiny. And no matter how much we dream of going back and doing it differently, that time has passed. Many people believe in “destiny” and a path we’re guided (or pushed!) down by a higher power. I think we may be nudged down a particular path, but I think we have enough free will to be disruptive and veer off that path. And I also think that sometimes we can make our way back to our original course.
Despite this belief, I am surprised at how often I dream of my own possible alternate lives. My sleeping hours are often spent spinning tales of what life might have been like if I’d made different decisions along the way. I’ve dreamed of alternate careers, of living in a city centre instead of the suburbs, of romantic relationships, of getting an MBA, of working abroad, or successfully deploying talents I certainly don’t possess and recently even of a life that didn’t include my kids. I sometimes wonder what a dream therapist would make of it all.
Some mornings I’d wake up and be really bothered by these dreams. I wondered if I was subconsciously unhappy with my life. Some soul searching ensued and I realized that despite the dreams, I’m happy with the choices I’ve made on my journey. For good or for ill – and mostly for good – they’ve left their marks, and while some of the choices haven’t worked out, I’m generally pretty happy. I love my kids and I’m really proud of the young adults they’ve become. I have a great career that while not entirely altruistic, lets me use my talents in a way that is appreciated and compensates me well. I have friends to drink wine and laugh with. I squeeze in a few hours (not enough!) to give back to my community and a lovely house in a beautiful suburban city with plenty of green space to walk in and decompress. I am generally pretty happy.
And yet every once and a while, the dreams awaken me to new ideas. Paths I hadn’t considered. Doors I hadn’t thought I could slide open. They make me curious about what else I can do in real life. Because although I may be 40-something, my journey isn’t over and there are still many things to try and many decisions to make. I wonder which door will open for me next?
