I haven’t blogged for a couple of weeks. There are a couple of reasons for that, although not particularly good ones.
I have been all-consumed by work, in an unhealthy way. I knew I was burning the candle at both ends and pushing my limits. I haven’t seen much of home, much less my kids in the last month. My dog is feeling very unloved and unwalked and my waistline is showing it too. I haven’t had time to call, let alone email or text friends. I’ve been skipping yoga classes because I haven’t been home early enough to get to them, so I should have known my stress release valve was gone and what it would mean. Nevertheless, I ignored the signs – and paid the price.
I don’t get sick often. When I do, it’s usually involves a combination of being overworked and overstressed. But on the rare occasion that does happen, I usually get knocked down flat. This time was no different – except that there was no option to be knocked down flat. My company is in the final throes of a long overdue integration with another part of our parent company – there were branding decisions to finalize and colleagues in other cities to work with to implement those decisions.
There were over 1,000+ employees who needed explanations at a town hall that needed content. There were local colleagues to work through the last inevitable IT glitches with. There were customers to prepare communications for. And of course the industry’ s annual conference to get ready for on top of that. There were long hours to put in and no extra hands available to make the workload lighter.
So almost voiceless, rather congested and slightly achy, I ploughed through it, all the while wondering if I really should have been doing it. But the work wouldn’t wait, and just when we had about made it through the worst ….
You know that proverbial straw? The one that breaks the camel’s back? Just as I was starting to come up for air, one of the talented women who works for me handed in her resignation. I have to admit, I wasn’t completely surprised. I’ve been frustrated for a long while – as I’m sure she was – that I couldn’t give here opportunities to grow. She’s capable of working at much higher levels than she has been – but we’ve had nobody to give some of the more junior work to, so she’s had to continue with that. So I can’t begrudge her leaving – to what sounds like a fabulous opportunity, as well. But while I knew it would probably happen one day, I wasn’t prepared for it that day.
Even still, my visceral emotional reaction to it surprised me. I was clearly working closer to the edge than I thought. The balancing act I’d been trying to convince myself I was managing well was a more dangerous high-wire act than I understood. I could blame at least some of it on not feeling 100 percent yet and the amplification that brings, but that a resignation, and the horrifying realization of how much more work I would have to pick up – at least temporarily – to keep all the balls in the air had me on the precipice of tears, was a shock.
I’m sure I’ll be able to fill my colleague’s position. I’m know things will get back to “normal levels of insanity soon. I had a performance review in the timeframe and the results tell me my boss is very happy with what my small-but-mighty team accomplished last year. But in the moment, it felt like an almost insurmountable mountain of work ahead of me and it had me feeling a little off my game.
Of course, I’ll get past the shock, and I have great colleagues around me who can pitch in to help. I’m feeling healthy again, and the thermometer is creeping up to less than frigid temperatures. There’s a potential for new and exciting things as part of this integration, and also in some of my volunteer work. That helps keep things exciting and positive..
In the meantime, the blog has been a casualty (well, that and anything that resembles a healthy dinner!). Which is a shame, really, because it’s in the writing that my mind wanders and I learn things about myself.
So as I watch the snow gently fall this weekend morning, I’ll focus on the positive, and let my fingers stray over the keyboard for just a while longer and see what pours out..
