Second chances. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently.
It sounds so simple. Of course everyone should given a second chance. But what happens when a second chance turns into a third, a fourth, a fifth? How many chances should someone be given before you simply have to turn away? When do your own needs for peace supplant someone else’s need for another opening?
Real-life friends will know my marriage exploded in relatively spectacular form a little more than a decade ago. In early years, I tried to remain very open to my children’s father having a second chance with them. We worked through a separation agreement that saw them spending much time together. Over the months and years that followed, that became harder to honour, for reasons best not relived.
Many, many second chances were afforded and each time, it was thrown away. Time and time again, trust was broken until no amount of tape or glue could hold it together. Hopes and prayer only went so far. And unfortunately – and I really do mean unfortunately – the children retreated further and further from their father to protect themselves.
I’ve struggled since then, and second-guessed myself many times. On good days, I believe I’m doing the right thing. I’ve supported the kids in their desires, while doing my best to help them stay open to the fact that one day they may want to open the door to their dad again. I’ve encouraged them to reach out on important days and to respond when he does the same. On bad days, when I’m treated to a streak of malevolent diatribe, I question myself. Did I not give enough chances? Did I push my need for a calm, peaceful life to far— or too early – to the forefront and deny someone else’s? Was I too selfish?
I suppose I’ll never know the answer, but i hope that by continuing to ask myself the question from time to time that I’m keeping myself honest.
We marked Remembrance Day last week. In the past few years, it means more to me – I now have two boys old enough to be called up to serve. I was struck this year, through my lens of second chances, by the role Canada has played in both active battle and in the more recent past in peacekeeping missions. The brave men and women who were a part of this were helping offer second chances to people around the world, as their countries fought for better lives for their citizens, or pieced things back together after combat.
Beyond peacekeeping, Canada has taken in many refugees over her history. In my lifetime, Vietnam and Syria are the most vivid– young people and families desperately seeking their second chance. We have a history of doing so and it makes me proud to be from a country that is open-minded and welcoming.
I have houseguests right now, looking for their own second chance as they immigrate to Canada. They close on their new house in just under a month and I’m sure they’re looking forward to truly settling into their new reality – this time chez nous probably feels like suspended animation. We’ll miss them when they go, but for my daughter and I, it will also be the beginning of our “all girls house”, so we’ll be having our own new beginning.
Second chances also come into play in light of the recent American election. Our neighbours to the south made a choice this week – one that has divided their population. How do they now get behind their new President-elect and give him a chance? How do they open their minds to someone who fully half the country fervently believe was the wrong choice. I’m actually glad I don’t have live in the United States because my politics don’t align with their reality and I would have a very difficult time backing the newly-elected leader. And yet, they must find a way to do that if the country is to heal. Many people are making the effort to ensure that message is clear – even on Saturday Night Live last night, in comedian Dave Chappelle’s opening monologue. As a Canadian, what happens in the US affects me, so for all of us, I wish them luck.
This need for oneness resonates particularly with me this Sunday as my church family has just voted endorse the hiring of a new minister. Our church now has a second chance to begin growing again – but it will take everyone coming together with open hearts and minds to provide their full support to this new person, who we trust to led us into the future. We’ve been down this road before and had spectacular failure. This time has to be different.
So today, my heart is open to second chances. What about yours?
