As I wander through my 40s in what sometimes seems like an aimless fashion, I occasionally find myself feeling completely out of sorts. This malaise is difficult to understand, when so much is going on – and much of it is going so well – in my life. Busy is good, right? Yet focusing on all this busyness can make it hard to see very far into the future.
To try and clear the fog from that vista, I’ve started carving out some “me” time in the last couple of years, when I can completely disconnect with my usual world. I fear my friends think I’m a bit mad; they don’t understand my visceral need for this time, but with a full-time job coupled with 24-7 single parenting of three busy teenagers, a little bit of freelancing and volunteer work, I crave it; I count down the months, the weeks and finally the days when I can be alone with myself. And while my friends may not “get it”, this blogger must be my long-lost sister, understanding the need to stop doing, and to simply “be”.
It’s during these times, when I try and shut out daily news, social media distractions and the needs of others, that the cobwebs in my mind start to disappear and the future starts to feel possible. This selfishly guarded time is mine, to do what I want, when I want, whether it’s to dance and sing at the top of my lungs, or just sit gazing quietly over the lake. A day or two into this magical time, the incessant chatter of my mind quiets and true daydreaming begins.
C.S. Lewis wrote, “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” Sometimes the hardest part is figuring out which dream or which goal to go after. There are so many options. As different scenarios flit through my mind, I try to play them out to their end with no judgement as they come and go – variations on the future, you might call it. Depending on the day, they range from a simple riff on my life today to a radically different baroque symphony.
As each melody – and its underlying harmonies – drifts by, I imagine how it could come about. What would I need to do, to change, to keep the same, to become, if I wanted that future to be the future? I’m not quite ready to settle on what I want that future to be yet, but once I do, I know I’ll be ready to ask the real questions – the ones which will need real answers to begin the next phase of life and go after that new dream with gusto.
I have a couple of interesting irons in the fire right now, but they need deciding on soon, and to be acted on fairly quickly. Both are intriguing, and provide growth opportunities. Each one would take me on an interesting journey. But neither are “the” future in a longer term sense.
And so while I am deciding which path to choose for now, until that “one” long-term future shows itself to me, I’ll just keep on sampling in my mind’s eye until I dream up that new dream.
